My black dog

I don’t know how much you have figured out from previous posts but I suffer from depression. I have had it since the girl was born nearly 10 years ago.

Most days I have a handle on it but sometimes it all just gets too much. I just want to hide from the world for a while or forever!

At my worst I was hospitalised on two occasions for 4 weeks each time. It saved my life and my baby’s life. I won’t go into it now but I was in a pretty bad place.

I am not there now but I just want to stop for a bit. The boy threw an almighty tantrum this morning about going to school. He does this periodically and recently we have been able to overcome these tantrums by saying that he will be going to school so either get dressed now or he will be getting dressed in the principals office after walking into school in his pyjamas.

It didn’t work this morning and neither the man or I could get him out of the door. We gave in and said that if he was sick then he would have to stay in bed the whole day and do nothing. He screamed and cried at that for a while but then calmed down.

After asking to watch the tv and being told no, and getting the same answer when he asked to play with his DS, or play with lego, or read a book, he gave up and asked where his school clothes were and could Dad please drive him to school. I even got a hug and a kiss goodbye. He left and I promptly burst into tears. It is all getting too hard…

I do some work but I have no motivation to do that any more. I have an idea for a mini-business/hobby but I have no energy to get started with that either. I feel safe at home and don’t like leaving home sometimes and I enjoy being by myself when everyone is either at work or at school. I relish the silence….

My head is a lovely place to be at the moment.

 

 

 

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Hard times…

I know it has been a while since I have written anything. It has all seemed to hard and daunting. I’m sure you all know the feeling.

Welcome to my life…

The kids went back to school last week but I feel like I am still playing catch-up after the holidays. The house is a mess, homework routine has gone out the window and the meltdowns are building up. Last night’s was a whopper from the girl. One section of homework took 3 hours, and it still wasn’t complete by the time I was about to throw it in the bin in disgust. In fact, the man did throw it in the bin but the boy got upset at that and got it out.

You see, camp is next week and that always causes problems. Changes to routines, changes to environments and mum and dad won’t be there. Stress overload.

She wants to go but she is scared. She cried herself to sleep on the two nights she went away last year, but she did it and we were proud of her. At this stage I don’t know whether she will be alive by next week to go.

The man and I had a good laugh tonight about a questionnaire we received about a sleep study. Sleep? Can anyone please tell us what that is? The girl goes to sleep any time between 9pm and 11pm and then wakes a couple of times a night and sometimes can be awake from 4am. I would hate to be her teacher at school on those days!

The good news so far this term is that the boy started tennis lessons and actually spoke to the coach and participated in his first lesson!! That would never have happened a year ago! He is making so much progress this year and he can’t wait to go back again tomorrow morning.

I am struggling with my depression but have turned to exercise to try to beat it this time. I am enjoying running and being out of the house and as a bonus the centimeters are coming off me as well. I love the freedom of being outside and not contactable. No kids, no screaming, no demanding.

Maybe I will go for another run today!

Or maybe have some wine instead.

Sometimes I just can’t do it!

Today has been one of those days that I’d rather not have very often.

A day when all I want to do is crawl back into bed and do nothing.

It is all too hard. I swear the girl is getting harder to deal with, rather than easier. The boy made her breakfast this morning.  He is younger but more able to cope with everyday life. If I ask her to make her breakfast then we have a meltdown about not being able to do it. Rather than trying and learning she just collapses in tears. The boy had gotten the toaster out of the cupboard, plugged it in, put the bread in and the buttered and spread vegemite on the toast. All for his sister! How cool is that?

My mum rang up today to say that she would take the kids out to the park, so have them ready at 2pm.

At 2pm she arrived to find the girl still rolling around her bed half dressed. She had refused to brush her teeth so far because she wasn’t dressed, and she wasn’t dressed because there wasn’t a singlet she wanted to wear. There was a singlet in her room, but it was a new one which I had bought by mistake. It had a crop top style band under the main part of the singlet which irritated her. I said that I would cut it off, but while I was doing that could she perhaps put some socks on or brush her teeth.

No.

A few minutes later I yanked the newly pruned singlet on her and then her t-shirt over that. I put her socks on then had a fight with her over her teeth. I have no idea why teeth brushing  makes her lose the plot, but day after day we have this fight.

After waiting 10 minutes for her to brush her teeth with her just holding the toothbrush saying that I was rushing her, I gave up and took the toothbrush from her and did them myself. She cried the entire time. Then I did her hair with made her cry even more.

I hate it.

I hate that it is so hard to do anything or go anywhere. I know I have posted before about how hard it is to go out but it really feels like it is not worth the effort.

I have struggled with depression for over 9 years now and sometimes it is hard to even look after myself and get myself out of the black hole, let alone deal with a children who have their own issues. Today everything disinterests me. I don’t want to hear small talk. I don’t want to do anything outside and I certainly don’t want to get someone dressed.

Sometimes it is just too overwhelming.