Sometimes I just can’t do it!

Today has been one of those days that I’d rather not have very often.

A day when all I want to do is crawl back into bed and do nothing.

It is all too hard. I swear the girl is getting harder to deal with, rather than easier. The boy made her breakfast this morning.  He is younger but more able to cope with everyday life. If I ask her to make her breakfast then we have a meltdown about not being able to do it. Rather than trying and learning she just collapses in tears. The boy had gotten the toaster out of the cupboard, plugged it in, put the bread in and the buttered and spread vegemite on the toast. All for his sister! How cool is that?

My mum rang up today to say that she would take the kids out to the park, so have them ready at 2pm.

At 2pm she arrived to find the girl still rolling around her bed half dressed. She had refused to brush her teeth so far because she wasn’t dressed, and she wasn’t dressed because there wasn’t a singlet she wanted to wear. There was a singlet in her room, but it was a new one which I had bought by mistake. It had a crop top style band under the main part of the singlet which irritated her. I said that I would cut it off, but while I was doing that could she perhaps put some socks on or brush her teeth.

No.

A few minutes later I yanked the newly pruned singlet on her and then her t-shirt over that. I put her socks on then had a fight with her over her teeth. I have no idea why teeth brushing  makes her lose the plot, but day after day we have this fight.

After waiting 10 minutes for her to brush her teeth with her just holding the toothbrush saying that I was rushing her, I gave up and took the toothbrush from her and did them myself. She cried the entire time. Then I did her hair with made her cry even more.

I hate it.

I hate that it is so hard to do anything or go anywhere. I know I have posted before about how hard it is to go out but it really feels like it is not worth the effort.

I have struggled with depression for over 9 years now and sometimes it is hard to even look after myself and get myself out of the black hole, let alone deal with a children who have their own issues. Today everything disinterests me. I don’t want to hear small talk. I don’t want to do anything outside and I certainly don’t want to get someone dressed.

Sometimes it is just too overwhelming.

Grief

Two years ago my life collapsed.

As soon as aspergers was mentioned everything fell apart.

I didn’t know anything about Aspergers, but as soon as we started looking it up we realised that our daughter fit the profile. Then we looked at our son.

There was relief as well, that we weren’t just bad parents who couldn’t control our children.

Hopes and dreams went out of the window. Silly things like being able to play with the girls hair. She hates anyone brushing it let alone putting it in a braid or putting pretty ribbons in it. Giving her clothes to wear that aren’t ripped off again because they hurt. Of being able to ask her to brush her teeth without crying.

Not having to follow a strict routine every night, or having a meltdown over the simplest instruction. Or not having to serve up the same food for dinner because they don’t like anything else.

When they were newborns you have all of these ideas for your children, and they are gone. Will they be able to have a normal relationship with anyone? How will they cope as they get older? Will they have friends and find their own way in the world?

I grieve for a normal life.

A life beyond children having meltdowns. Beyond social skills groups, and occupational therapy.

I grieve.

A sad one

Lets hope I don’t offend anyone too much – probably will, but I didn’t mean it. I promise!!

Sometimes I hate other people and their kids. And by this I mean people I know and like and am really good friends with.

I hate their perfect children, and their perfect lives, and their perfect talents. Children who will not hit and kick other children for the sake of it, who will help their parents sometimes, who don’t have a bedtime routine which is 2 hours long. The list goes on…

I don’t like that I hate them. It is not a nice feeling. Especially when they are  friends of mine. Is it possible to love and hate someone at the same time??

Sometimes I just want to sink into the ground and hide. If I just stay at home and don’t go into the world then I can’t get hurt and my children don’t get hurt.

Their children are nice and they get good reports and they get chosen for plays and teams and parties and playdates…. the list goes on. Their parents don’t have a ball of anxiety in their stomach every afternoon when they go to pick up their children. They even let their mums brush their hair and put them in clothes that might itch!!! (The girl refuses to wear the school jumper because it hurts her skin)

Meanwhile the man and I do our best to get through every day with as few meltdowns and tantrums as possible and get no reward for it. We work hard and are good people – and life sucks!

Bitter much?

I know my children are talented in so many ways, I am just waiting for it to be recognised. It drives me crazy that the boy is exceptionally good at playing the violin but he won’t perform in front of anyone. So his dad and I and his violin teacher are the only ones who know it. I just want to show him off. My problem, I know.

I could go on and on about the girl being overlooked for things because of her past behaviour. I feel it has tainted everything now. Look past the behaviour to see the child please.

For those reading this who do know me, please know that I do like you and your children, and I am pleased for them when something good happens to them. Really.

Just have a big chip on my shoulder.

Please keep talking to me about your children – it is my problem, not yours!!

Lessons I’ve learnt

I have learnt some very valuable lessons during our time dealing with aspergers. I thought I would share these with you, so you can make an informed decision about whether you would like an aspergers child as well.

You won’t be able to ask your child to do anything without them falling on the ground/bed/whatever flattish surface is nearby. This goes for asking them to brush their teeth, hair, put on clothes, have a bath, do their homework, empty the dishwasher and pick up their toys.

Don’t expect to get anywhere in a hurry. As soon as you say you are ready to go, then the child will say that they need to go to the toilet. And stay there for a while singing. Then they will have to change their underwear because now it feels funny. And can’t put on their shoes because the socks are not right and they won’t be able to do up their shoes because they can’t get them on tight enough and they will fall off….. (get the picture)

Homework will be beneath them. Don’t ask them to memorise spelling words because they have already learnt them when they wrote them down in their homework book that day. Don’t bother trying to get them to look at them ‘just in case’ because that will result in major tantrum. Wish I knew what it was like to have a photographic memory…. This also goes for learning music and lines for a play. They can remember everyone’s lines which comes in handy if someone is not there for the production.

Never suggest they eat something. Food is not liked. If there is any food in your cupboards then just throw it out now.

Maybe just keep the vegemite.

Sleep is also not liked. The child will endeavour to keep you in their bedroom late at night and then keep calling out overnight to help put them back to sleep. They also won’t care that you are tired and grumpy in the morning, because they are not. You will miss out on all of your tv shows as you go through the whole nighttime routine. Every. Single. Night.

You will get told information about subjects that you knew nothing about. And would not care to know about. Like the series order of a particular tv programs, who is in the tv series, what else they have been in, what lightsaber each character has in starwars etc. Seriously, why do they think we care!!

Hygiene is beneath them. You will save on water. And toothpaste. And shampoo.

Never expect any sympathy. They don’t care. If it is not about them then they have no interest at all. So you might as well just shut up and get on with it.

Don’t go anywhere with sun, sand, bees, flowers, strong smells, or loud noises. Or cold.  As there is nowhere else to go you might as well stay home.

There are many many other delightful tips I could share with you, this is only a taste. But it might help you make your decision easier.

Remember! Keep the vegemite!