Why I run….

Sometimes there is nothing better than getting outside and running in the fresh air.

I needed a break from work today so took the dog (Shiloh) out for a run. I ran about five kilometres but he seemed to cover a bit more. The boy was wondering why he seemed so tired tonight. I think I ran his little leggies off. Must put a tracker on him one day to see how far he actually goes….

Anyway, we have had a bit of stress lately with end of semester school exams, and a car accident last week and whatever else is going on and I had been waiting for the girl to have a meltdown over it all.

She has been fine but I had the meltdown for her.

So I have been running.

And running.

It works though, my stress and anxiety levels come down and I am happier again. I can feel physical soreness instead of mental soreness.

I don’t take a phone so no one can reach me – just me and the dog and the outdoors. No one knows where I am or where I’m going.

Try it.

Get outside and just breath.

 

Guess what….

I may be back.

Who knows…. I might not stay either.

It’s been a long time. A few years in fact. The boy is now 13 and the girl is 15. Where does the time go?

I am still full of anxiety, still waiting for the explosions to happen. Still waiting for something to happen all the time.

I am still trying to figure out this parenting teenagers with Asperger’s lark.

The girl is a talented singer, writer and actor. When she wants to be. She says she wants to be an actor or an author but when her agent calls her up to say she has an audition she has a meltdown and won’t go. Why? Because she might not get the part! She doesn’t get that by not going she is definitely not going to get the part.

The the next audition she is fine. I don’t understand!

I scream internally (and externally) a lot….

She doesn’t get it.

The boy makes things. He will find a picture of an item, usually a weapon used in a film he has just seen and make a 3D replica of it. He is quite talented there but it makes for a messy house with paint and glue and bits of foam spread all over any available surface.

Apparently I love mess.

The birthday from hell

Today was my birthday.

And I cried.

It was decided that we would go out for lunch to celebrate, just the four of us……I don’t know what I was thinking!

After an hour or two of kids stuffing around and still not getting dressed, or whinging that they didn’t have a plan white top to wear (the girl) and getting upset set when I said I couldn’t just materialise it out of thin air, and the boy not putting his shoes on and cavorting around the house annoying the dog, the man and I walked out.

By ourselves.

By the time I had reversed the car down the driveway both kids were standing outside the house with their shoes in their hands ready to go.  The boy was very apologetic about making me sad and the girl was whining about her socks being dirty.

The kids were excited as we were having pancakes for lunch and they love pancakes. They liked the sound of the pancakes that came with chocolate syrup, ice-cream and sprinkles, but the girl was unsure whether she would like it on a pancake, so I got them to put all the side in separate jugs on the side of the plate. The waitress must have thought we were mad!

As predicted – the pancake tasted different and the ice-cream tasted different so both went uneaten by the girl. But she managed to eat all of the chocolate syrup with no problem. That would have filled her up!

Back home we went where the girl promptly asked for something to eat as she was hungry.

Then it was time to go to my mothers house for dinner. As predicted, the kids wouldn’t cooperate. The boy was playing with a ball in the hall and wouldn’t do anything he was asked and the girl was flapping around doing whatever she was doing. The man had the audacity to raise his voice which caused the boy to shut down completely.

At this point I burst into tears (again) and left the house. I drove to my mums house crying and had a birthday dinner without any of my family. My Mum, Nana, Sister, Brother in law and my niece and nephews were on hand to sing me happy birthday but not my own family.

I got to watch normal kids do normal things and it just made me feel worse. I felt very sad and worn out by it all.

I know that the boy and the girl can’t think of anyone but themselves but I do wish they could. It is not nice feeling very unimportant all the time.

I will get over it and move on, but today I am sad.

 

Head hurts tonight!

The girl dances on a Friday night. She loves dancing, and she looks so free and happy when she does.

Tonight she came home hungry. Not unusual as she is always hungry, but she didn’t know what she wanted to eat.  The problem is is that she only eats about four things and she didn’t want any of those.

Pasta? No

Weetbix with Vegemite? No

Toast?

Sandwich? No

All options exhausted then. Cue tears….

I put one option on the table – the one she hadn’t finished from before she left for dancing – and told her to go sit down at the table. Once she saw what it was she started crying that she didn’t want it, but couldn’t tell me what she did want. I said that if she didn’t want to eat then she should have a bath and go to bed, as she was obviously tired.

Apparently eyes hanging out of head and tears doesn’t mean you are tired! Just so you know…

I lost it at the point and said it wasn’t a restaurant and she was out of options. Cue more tears and collapsing on the ground this time.

I left her to it and went into another room to cool down.

A few minutes later she stormed past us to go to her room, where she proceeded to collapse on her bed this time, conveniently bypassing the bathroom and ignoring the fact that I’d told her to have a bath if she wasn’t going to eat.

After physically dragging her off the bed and into the bathroom, I then had to undress her, which is quite difficult when she is trying to put her clothes back on at the same time. I picked her up and dumped her in the bath (so so glad she is little!) and walked away… after saying that if she was not careful she would have to go and live with another family because I can’t look after her anymore.

Five minutes later she is calling me from the bath.

‘Now I’m worried that you are going to get rid of me’.

After reassuring her that I didn’t mean it and I was just frustrated by her behaviour, she got out of the bath.

And proceeded to get upset about everything else that was going on in her world. Like her body hurting everywhere, and her knee hurts as well, and the German Teacher at school is convinced that all kids with Aspergers are going to try to run away like a girl did in Prep who has it, but don’t ask her how she knows this because she can’t tell me. And she doesn’t want the German Teacher to know she has it because she will tell even more people about it, like her best friend in Year 4 did after promising to keep it a secret then telling everyone who then proceeded to laugh and point at her. And there is a mean girl in the Softball Team at school who keeps picking on her but she is in the Year below her and she only knows her first name but she is really mean to her and she is really missing her computer game and when can you get a new computer so I can play it and it’s not fair….and can I have some Tuna please?

This was all told to me in about two minutes flat, such was the speed of her talking.

I know that she holds everything in until she feels she is safe enough to tell us and then she erupts, but we have to go through the meltdown to get to what is upsetting her.

Hurts my head and now I need a drink. And chocolate. Or both….

Success!

We had a major breakthrough today.

A miracle you could even say!

The boy went to the dentist!!

Just when I think I have him worked out he goes and does something unexpected. I think he does it to keep me on my toes.

He has had a phobia about the dentist forever. Every time anyone mentions the word he would throw a fit. And hide. Sometimes both at the same time. The one and only time I got him near a dentist was when he kicked me then bit my finger. Maybe I shouldn’t have tried to prise his mouth open but I was desperate. Not making that mistake again…

We knew a few years ago that there were some holes in his teeth but as the dentist was unable to even look in his mouth all work had to be done under a general anaesthetic at a hospital.

8 crowns, 2 x-rays, cleaning, 3 hours and a couple of thousand dollars later he we done. I am still paying that off….

I had actually given up making appointments for him at all. Had tried in the past and as I couldn’t get him out from under the waiting room chairs it was just a big waste of time. He had gone as far as to suggest to me that I should become a dentist so I could do his teeth for him. That would be on top of being a hairdresser (I had to learn how to cut his hair years ago) and also a doctor.

Hmm I don’t think so bud!

So I had figured that he would grow up with awful teeth and he would have to deal with that as an adult, and in the meantime I was very pedantic about him brushing his teeth twice a day and doing them well.

So today’s appointment was for the girl, but I casually mentioned that he had to see the dentist as well. All she would do is look in his mouth. That’s all…(fingers crossed behind my back)

Ok he said.

After I picked myself back off the floor I asked him to repeat that. I was sure that he said ok, but surely that couldn’t be right.

He did.

When we got to the dentist I warned her what was happening and said that she had to do as much as she could in this visit cos who knew when I would get him back here again. The boy calmly got in the chair and chose his sunglasses and answered any questions the dentist asked him.

I had no idea who this child was, it certainly wasn’t mine.

So after she cleaned his teeth and had a good look around and took some x-rays he was done.

He got off the chair and says,

‘What was all the fuss about?’

 

A new low

I hit a new low on Monday. I cried in the car park of Woolworths.

I had just raced to the supermarket to grab up a couple of things before picking up a friend for the boy to play with for the day. It had been organised the day before as the boy had been nagging me to play with this other boy for ‘days and days and days’. (Confused much?)

I got a text message from his mother saying that today wasn’t going to suit after all and could we please change it to tomorrow.

As I envisioned the meltdown to follow, the screaming that I am a moron, the throwing of whatever the boy could get his hands on and the horrible, horrible atmosphere I just burst into tears. I sat there and howled and was mighty glad of the tinted car windows.

I couldn’t bear to go home to be greeted by this but as I figured that no-one was going to ride in on their horse to save me or the day I was going to have to.

I need me a hero!

Merry. Freaking. Christmas!

What a day! Or days… or week or whatever.

I know I haven’t written for months, haven’t had the energy or inclination but I am still here apparently.

So we have done Christmas and New Years Eve and now it is the long summer holidays. Three more weeks til school is back! Not that I am counting too much because it is nice to have a break from the mundane routine of life.

Christmas was very stressful for me because of the boy. He didn’t understand that you don’t get everything (and sometimes anything) from your Christmas list because of various reasons. I tried to explain the cost of items he was requesting, or the suitability of items. Apparently Santa could just buy him anything that was too expensive, and anyway, he was going to ask Santa to bring US money so we would have lots and lots and lots.

Hmmm…..don’t you just love 9 year old mentality??

The end result was a very stressed mummy who was racking her brains trying to think of something that wasn’t on his list which included a dog (not going to happen because I don’t want another child to look after) and various guns (his current obsession)

*sigh*

Enter a WiiU

We had a Wii console but it had broken, and had been lying dormant for many months. It was going to be expensive to fix and I refused to buy a different games system as we already had a heap of games. I asked the very knowledgeable 12yo in the shop (ok, maybe he was 18) if the old Wii games would work on the new WiiU?

‘Oh yes’, he assured me, ‘all the old gear works so it will be fine’.

Fast forward to 6.55am on Christmas morning and the man set about sorting out the new toy.

It. Didn’t. Freaking. Work!!!!

There was tears and tantrums and name calling – and the boy was quite upset as well.

The man accepted it as something else that was destined to go wrong in our world and nearly cried. All we wanted to do was give the boy something that would put a smile on his face and take the pressure off us for a while. We couldn’t afford to give the kids much this year so that’s really all the family got.

It made for a very quiet Christmas Day. We were all feeling a little defeated and sad, and after a very long lunch out at my sister’s house I came home and spent the evening in tears before crawling into bed.

The next day just after lunchtime – after we had had 48 meltdowns from the boy about the lack of cooperation from the WiiU (Which I had quietly christened the FuckU) – and the man was just about to drop-kick the thing back to the shop, the boy suddenly shouted that it was working!

No freaking way!!

Cue party time and sighs of relief all round.

 

 

 

 

Pass the wine

We are just in the middle of one of our nightly fights with the boy. Apparently because we are trying to make him brush his teeth we are bad parents who don’t care about him. He has just been literally dragged kicking and screaming into his bedroom and been told to put himself to sleep and that he has to stay there all night.

By himself.

Impossible!

It breaks my heart to see him act like that. I hate being told I am a bad parent by him when I love him to bits and would do anything to not see him hurt.

I don’t get why he has to shut down every night when asked to brush his teeth. Up until that point he is a happy cheery boy, and it’s like a switch just flicks inside his head. He won’t tell us why he won’t brush his teeth. He does it without fighting in the morning so it is not a sensory issue.

Drives. Us. Crazy!

The girl is in her room shouting for everyone to be quiet and that she is trying to learn her spelling words! She couldn’t care less about what is happening. I wouldn’t expect anything else from her though.

As I have written all this I caught him sneaking out of his room to go and brush his teeth. I don’t get why he does this after 15 minutes of screaming about it, and making the man and I sad and upset in the process. Now we will sit here all evening feeling like we are failures.

Where’s the wine tonight? Anyone….

I’ll update you on the sleeping issue later.

What a week….

The girl looking very happy! Apparently…

We have reached the end of a very busy week and a half. The girl was in numerous dress rehearsals and then four concerts of her Year 5 and 6 concert of Beauty and the Beast Junior. She played the role of a ‘Silly Girl’ which the man and I thought was very apt. The last concert was on Thursday night and as we were all tired both the boy and girl didn’t go to school on the Friday. It was lovely not to have to rush out the door in the morning for a change.

The make up and hair for all concerts was a challenge. She hated the smell and feel of the foundation and the hairspray was a challenge to get near her! I only had to put her foundation on at home, the rest (including the false eyelashes) was put on by the make up team. I am so so grateful for them. We also had many tears and squirming whilst holding a curling iron…

On Sunday morning the girl had a final rehearsal for her Ballet Presentation Class (exam) which was to be held on the Monday. We were both up and out early to get there by 8.45am. Not on a Sunday!!!!

I picked her up from school early yesterday to get her to her exam on time. Luckily I didn’t have to fight to put her hair in a bun, I was able to leave it to her ballet teacher.  Of course because I wasn’t doing it she didn’t fight and argue about it! Typical!

Now we can all relax for a few months until the Ballet Recital at the end of the year…Phew!

Sitting in the hair chair!

The morning and the tiredness

I am exhausted.

It is only 8.30am but the girl’s morning antics have worn me out already.

She has choir at school at 8am which she loves and refuses to give up but she doesn’t help us get her ready to go.

Yesterday I gave her the day off school to give her some time to unwind after a really busy weekend and she was awake at 6.45am. Today when I need her up early I had to wake her at 7.20am and she still refused to get up. Sounds normal I guess….

Three different drinks were tried before she finally settled on a hot chocolate (with added ritalin). She didn’t want the orange juice that she asked for, nor the apple juice because it had lumps in it, so a small amount of chocolate milk was finally a winner.

I had dressed her as I yanked her out of bed because sometimes that is easier than fighting the flailing limbs when she is finally ensconced on the couch, so all I had to do was get her to eat breakfast, go to the toilet and brush her teeth. Easy!

Except we had 0.56 minutes to do this in.

After asking for an apple the girl sat and looked at it for 10 minutes before talking a microscopic bite out of it.

Telling her it was time to leave made her run and hide on her bed because I was being mean and was scaring her! Dragging her out of bed again and shoving her shoes on her feet I asked her to get in the car, at which point she went to the toilet.

Banging my head on a convenient wall nearby and counting to 500 did nothing to help me…..

After five minutes of sitting on the toilet the girl finally comes out and dawdles to the bathroom to brush her teeth. Luckily that doesn’t require too much time because the ritalin has finally kicked in and she is doing what she is told.

I love ritalin!!

Finally at 7.59 she is ready. Did I mention that choir starts at 8.00 and it is a 10 minute drive to get to school?

And what has the boy been doing in all of this?

He got up and ate his breakfast and got dressed and brushed his teeth and was packed and out the door and waiting in the car for the girl.

In his words  ‘what are we going to do with her?’  He cracks me up!

Is it too early for wine?