My black dog

I don’t know how much you have figured out from previous posts but I suffer from depression. I have had it since the girl was born nearly 10 years ago.

Most days I have a handle on it but sometimes it all just gets too much. I just want to hide from the world for a while or forever!

At my worst I was hospitalised on two occasions for 4 weeks each time. It saved my life and my baby’s life. I won’t go into it now but I was in a pretty bad place.

I am not there now but I just want to stop for a bit. The boy threw an almighty tantrum this morning about going to school. He does this periodically and recently we have been able to overcome these tantrums by saying that he will be going to school so either get dressed now or he will be getting dressed in the principals office after walking into school in his pyjamas.

It didn’t work this morning and neither the man or I could get him out of the door. We gave in and said that if he was sick then he would have to stay in bed the whole day and do nothing. He screamed and cried at that for a while but then calmed down.

After asking to watch the tv and being told no, and getting the same answer when he asked to play with his DS, or play with lego, or read a book, he gave up and asked where his school clothes were and could Dad please drive him to school. I even got a hug and a kiss goodbye. He left and I promptly burst into tears. It is all getting too hard…

I do some work but I have no motivation to do that any more. I have an idea for a mini-business/hobby but I have no energy to get started with that either. I feel safe at home and don’t like leaving home sometimes and I enjoy being by myself when everyone is either at work or at school. I relish the silence….

My head is a lovely place to be at the moment.






I have had a couple of weeks away from the real world, and I have had enough.

Nearly two weeks ago I had a shower and as I lifted my foot to clean it my back went into spasm. It was horrendous. Couldn’t move or walk. Have decided that from now on I will be air washing – will let you know how it goes….

My lovely lovely husband has picked up the slack – taking kids to and from school, and doing the sport runs, early morning choir trips, and doctors visits! Isn’t he nice? He looks after me.

The boy is being good to me, and is giving me lots of cuddles and gentle back rubbing. The girl keeps trying to hang off me, or to give her cuddles when she is lying down (not a chance of getting down there luv). She is trying in her way to be loving and supportive, just doesn’t always turn out that way.

I have had some friends drop over some meals for me, which means I don’t have to think too hard about cooking  and I don’t have to stand too long in the kitchen. The conversation about what to cook was interesting though – they asked what the kids ate? I said not much and don’t worry about them – I had vegemite. Yes the vegemite!

Apparently yesterday was take-away night. The boy decided that since I was ‘broken’ I shouldn’t cook dinner, but I wasn’t too broken to cook a cake ‘pwease mummy’. Interesting theory….

I haven’t been able to work, not good for the bank balance. Have had to tell a few clients to clean their own toilets! (yes I clean other people’s houses) And I have the guilts that I am not trying hard enough to do anything. Even though my back spasms when I try to stand up, move, cough, and please please don’t make me laugh!! Love the mummy guilts…

Sleeping is interesting. Hurts to turn over, hurts to lie in one spot for too long. I have ‘sheet’ burn on my elbow from trying to move myself in the night – the only way to do it is to prop myself up on my elbow, turn slowly, then somehow ease my arm out of the way. Panedeine Forte helps a bit.

Hopefully, hopefully I am on the mend. I have hurt the bottom two discs in my spine, but it doesn’t seem to be permanent, and some other doctor talk that I don’t understand. And I will have to keep the area stabilised so that I don’t do it again. It seems to be an old weightlifting injury. Damn you sport!!

I am still here, and going on. Just from the inside of my house at the moment.

And I haven’t forgotton the wine!