The girl is having a possessive friend problem at the moment. She has worked so hard to expand her friendship group over the last year or so, and has a nice group now. Unfortunately one of her friends has had a falling out with the others and is now saying that the girl can’t play with the others.
This is upsetting to the girl, but she is going along with it because this girl is still her friend. The girl has no idea what is upsetting her friend and if I ask her what is happening she gets all upset and starts shrieking at me, which means she is confused. She is oblivious to it all. Must be nice in her head sometimes…
She has done a couple of years of social skills courses and occupational therapy and I don’t want all her hard work thrown out the window. She has done courses in conversation skills and how to treat people. She still needs help but doesn’t need to have to start all over again. All these girls have known each other for five years, so they know each other well. They know the girl and her quirks, and if they have stuck with her this long then they must be keepers.
So far this other girl has made the girl play ‘spies’ on the other girls in the playground (there are too many girls involved – I am confused). The girl doesn’t understand that that could get her into trouble or why. She still doesn’t ‘get’ a lot of the social rules. We are slowly getting there with her but it won’t ever truly set in.
If she does play with these other girls then the friend cries and says that she is abandoning her as well. She is torn and doesn’t know what to do. I don’t mind her having this friend, I have nothing against the girl per se, in fact I quite like the girl, just don’t want her to have just ONE friend after everything she has been through. Trying to explain to the girl how friendship groups work is hard, and I am not sure what is normal for 9 year old girls , not having a normal 9 yo girl. Maybe all 9 yo girls act the same?
She gets so tied up in knots by all this happening that by the time she comes home she is in meltdown mode in the car. This then sets the boy off who yells at the girl who cries more – but I have been through all this before in another post.
We spend the evening talking it through and working out how she can help herself. She wants to play with all these girls but doesn’t want to hurt her other friend as well. I say to her that she can play with who she likes, and she needs to stand up for herself.
Easier said that done, I think we are all still learning that!
Meltdowns, Chaos and Aspergers 
Wow, Simone, the more I read about your daughter the more I can identify with her. Social interaction at that age was just so mysterious and mortifying to me. Still is at times. All I can say is at leat you know what the problem is, you the knew whys and hows. It still makes it very hard to cope with and help, but at least you are trying. You can only do your best.
And perhaps you can explain to me how friendships work…? One day someone will diagnose me Aspergers, although at my age it probably no longer matters. I’ve learnt how to make up for it, how to “fake it” and even what to say to my kids to help them with their friends.
Hugs, Simone..
Yep, normal behaviour even for “normal” nine year olds, ten year olds, etc etc. Been through it with my own daughter. Heart breaking and frustrating – even more interesting when you see the behaviour reflected in some of the mums – but I won’t go there…. You are doing and saying the right things, that’s all you can do. Good luck
Hi Simone
Unfortunately this is incredibly “normal” behaviour for 9-10 year old girls. I did a stint helping out a church Sunday school and we had thess kind of games all the time. It seemed the friendship circles would change every week. I tried to strongly discourage it but didn’t get too far. While it might be concerning to see “the girl” involved in thus at least she is not the one excluding others or being excluded. Perhaps you could ask to speak to the other girls parents and/or the teacher to see if there is actually a reason why the group split.